wid2020

The Perceived Normal

Fri, 22 May 2020 13:29:06 GMT

How come, some of us have embraced the stay home with more vigour and ease than others?

The stay home slogan has become synonymous with social distancing, being responsible and doing the right thing. So how come, some of us have embraced the stay home with more vigour and ease than others? Why is it that some people are climbing the walls, not knowing what to do with themselves, waiting for this to end and yet some are just going with the flow.

Your behaviour and my behaviour might look the same, but why I do what I do might be completely different

What’s the root cause of such irritation and difficulty during this time of lockdown? We may be spending more time with our partner and kids than we ever have before or experiencing being isolated and on our own. Actions and behaviours that we didn’t notice before become highlighted. Your behaviour and my behaviour might look the same, but why I do what I do might be completely different. What drives me to show up in the world the way I do, even though it looks similar on the surface, could be for completely different reasons. I might be kind and generous to you because I want to be connected, for someone else it may because it’s right and just and yet for another because it ensures some form of security.

‘Mindsight’ is a term coined by Dr. Dan Siegel to describe our human capacity to perceive the mind of the self and others. He says ‘it is a powerful lens through which we can understand our inner lives with more clarity, integrate the brain, and enhance our relationships with others’. The WID Factor – Why I Do What I Do, confirms with modern science what ancient wisdom has told us for years - that we all have and use three centres of Intelligence – the head (thinking), heart (feeling) and gut (sensing). In each of us, one of these three intelligences is more dominant and tends to rule the way we show up in the world.

Being aware of what drives each of us helps to understand what triggers us.

When spending time with people in isolation for an extended period, we can find our buttons are being pushed because their dominant intelligence, which drives their focus of attention, may be different to our own. Being aware of what drives each of us helps to understand what triggers us.

During this time of COVID-19, agencies such as Beyond Blue and Lifeline and other mental health support centres are being overwhelmed with people not knowing what to do with the reactions from these triggers and the situations they create. If we can understand the core motivation for our behaviour, what drives the focus of our attention, we can learn to respond with compassion for ourselves and others.

We need to consider do we want to go back to what we perceived as normal?

We need to consider do we want to go back to what we perceived as normal? Or had we just normalised a way of life that caused burnout and exhaustion by promoting greed, exploitation and disconnection?

This is the opportunity we’ve been given to create a new normal which allows us to view all three centres of intelligence with the fresh eyes of generosity, understanding and connection. In doing so, we can activate a three centred truth that integrates humanity and nature to create wellbeing.

This article was inspired by conversations with colleague Margaret Loftus over the past weeks.

Puppy Love

Tue, 07 May 2019 13:20:02 GMT

A Lesson in Unconditional Love

I was determined not to get involved. I had warned my friends there were to be no blind dates. One friend had other ideas and introduced me to Sally – against my better judgment, I was immediately struck by her dark eyes and strangely beguiled by that messy fringe of hers. Yet what really hooked me was her air of vulnerability. I wanted to take her home and be her protector.

She was a small, purebred Maltese Terrier - only 18 months old - though in her short life had already been to hell and back. She had been starved, mistreated and neglected. A friend thought she was perfect for me. I felt I knew better. After all, I knew something about dogs. I had grown up with pet dogs – they were good, easy-going dogs. Here, I was being presented with one who had sizable ‘issues’. Whatever misgivings I might have had about Sally, something in those deep black eyes told me we were meant to be together. And, yes, she did come to live with me and for the next 16 and a half years, was a very dear member of my family.

In those early days, knowing her past history, I congratulated myself for providing sanctuary to this poor homeless waif. But, it wasn’t too long before I realized that Sally had turned the tables and was giving me the unconditional love that I desperately needed. The bond that we have with our pets can have a far-reaching effect on our emotional wellbeing and overall health, in my household the ripple effect from Sally was undeniable.

More than any other animal, dogs have evolved to become acutely attuned to humans, to both our behaviour and emotions. Dogs are capable of understanding many words we use and they’re even better at interpreting our tone of voice, body language and gestures. Often better than a good human friend, a loyal dog can gauge our emotional state and seemingly understand what we are feeling.

I was happy to have Sally beside me, not just at home but also during my workshops where I worked with people on workplace issues such as effective communication, power imbalances and dealing with stress. She became my little mascot. I would put her basket in the room, she would sit in it for a time, peruse the room with all the participants there and then, suddenly, she was off. She would go up to someone, sit and wait. She would look at them with those piercing black eyes of hers and communicate some deep message, beyond intellect or ego. Sometimes the person would say, “I’m not a dog person” or “what does she want?” I saw these surface irritations for what they were and ignored them. Sally, I knew, would do her thing. Invariably, she would end up in the very lap of that person and would stay with them until she knew she had done her job. Sometimes an hour, sometimes the whole day. Better than any of us, I felt she knew just what was needed for that person and I left her to it. Animals, particularly dogs and cats, have the power to help us stay present and soak up the unconditional love that only they can give.

Last year I had to farewell my beloved Sally. She had come into my life from a rescue home, a little orphan in need of love and attention but ended up giving so much more. Like Sally, many of us are crying out for love yet we wait for the perfect person or the perfect time. What Sally knew, when it came to love, she was always fully present - for the perfect time for love is always in the now.

Can you read my mind?

Mon, 06 May 2019 05:08:47 GMT

Patterns that hold us back from living life fully

Having been a primary school teacher for many years, one of my fondest memories, particularly with Kindergarten, was that first day of the school year. You would collect your class from the assembly, move to the classroom and there, as everyone sat on the floor in front of you, would be a sea of fresh little faces. Some starring up at you intently, some with a look of fear and trepidation, others with a look of admiration, eager to please and then some that didn’t even pay attention to you and were off in their own world. You had parents pacing up and down outside the classroom, other had dropped, kissed and farewelled, others crying inconsolably over the fact that there little one was starting school. Children and parents, all different, all unique. It often made me think “why I do what I do”?

Understanding the key driver or core potency behind our sometimes reactive behaviours can be scary to some. Recently I had a mother call me who wanted me to see her teenage son, Peter, who was struggling in year 11 at school. She explained he had started to have anxiety attacks worrying about relationships, school-work and the future. Along with the anxiety, he was beginning to withdraw and show anti-social behaviours and she worried he was spiralling into a depression. What arrived at my office was a tall, handsome, pimply, young teenager – the epitome of an ugly duckling who just wanted to blossom but didn’t know how.

Together we worked to address the question “why I do what I do?” by exploring the idea that the human personality is made up of three intelligences, all of which we draw on, but one is more dominant. My hope was he would discover what his dominant intelligence was and how that was influencing his view of the world.

Ancient wisdom and modern science tell us these are the gut, heart and head intelligence. The gut revolves around sensing, the heart around feeling and the head around thinking.

During our discussion it became obvious his main focus was on injustice and unfairness in the world and he described the anger he felt around these issues. One of the main concerns weighing him down, was that he didn’t like that anger and the way it made him feel. His gut intelligence was ruling his view of the world. He had a difficulty with personal boundaries and had shut down mentally and emotionally.

We then identified that the same gut intelligence had a flip side that could empower him and we discussed that his path was to embrace discomfort, prioritise himself and that “no” was okay. This was a light bulb moment for him as he was struggling with all the typical peer pressures of a 17 year old. As the session was winding up, with a smile, Peter’s final words to me were “How did you become a mind reader!”

The truth is once we can understand our core potency we have a much better chance of learning to react less and respond more. This lightbulb “aha” moment for Peter was one in which he could identify some of the patterns that were holding him back from living life fully to experience his Path of Purpose.

When we begin to understand “why I do what I do” our emotional well-being is laid on a solid foundation from which we can move forward to experience the world with more compassion for ourselves and others.